Archive for vampires


Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , , on 09/28/2012 by Chris

[Editor’s excuse note: Due to this bullshit closing out last October, the final two RETURN OF HHMCs didn’t make it up. Rather than post them last November, I decided to hold them off till this year, so they’ll make a nice appetizer for my third annual Halloween Horror Movie Challenge. October is upon us, so get psyched assholes!!]

John Carpenter’s Vampires

John Carpenter is like the cinematic equivalent of Metallica: he’s got a couple of classics (and at least one or two arguable masterpieces) under his belt, but the rest of his output ranges from so-so to Lars Ulrich. Vampires is thoroughly mediocre, but I like it perhaps more than I should. Much of the reason is because of James Woods, who carries this movie practically single-handedly. He’s so good here, however, that it only seems to amplify the rest of the movie’s shortcomings. Woods plays the foul-mouthed leader of a team of Vatican-sponsored vampire slayers, who finds himself up against a “master vampire,” who’s trying to recover an ancient relic that will allow him to walk in daylight. This is especially a problem considering that the vampire mythology is largely simplified here – crosses and garlic don’t work, which leaves sunlight or a good ol’ staking as your only options of killing one. There’s two main problems with this movie: first, after a pretty cool introductory scene, nearly all of Woods’ team is wiped out. I realize he’s the star of the show, but the idea of a team of vampire hunters seemed more fun than watching one or two guys chasing one. Second, the supposed “master vampire” – excuse the pun here – sucks. He’s supposed to be one of the most powerful vampires ever, but he never really seems menacing, even when disemboweling people. But I dig the movie’s southwest-sorta flavor; Carpenter has always stated that his first love was westerns, and this seems like his attempt at bringing some of that into the horror realm. And Woods, like I said, elevates it greatly. Check it out for a decent waste of time, but avoid the in-name-only DTV sequel starring Jon Bon Jovi, which is about as enjoyable as slamming your dick in a car door.  3/5



Posted in Movies with tags , , , on 06/28/2010 by Chris

Because no one’s had the balls to cut the brakes on their cars yet, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the Al Qaeda of comedy, are continuing their long string of perpetually unfunny spoof movies with Vampires Suck. It’ll of course be some sort of Twilight parody, even though half of the ‘jokes’ will no doubt consist of up-to-the-minute pop culture references, that will probably be outdated by the time the movie is released on DVD.

If you’re unfamiliar with these guys, they’re the ones behind Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans, and even though it was 10 years ago, they continue to point out that they were two of the six writers behind Scary Movie, presumably because it’s the only partially funny movie on their resumé. As evidenced by everything they’ve done since, however, it’s safe to assume they weren’t responsible for any of the funny parts.

Clearly these two aren't watching their own work.

Anyway, their latest crime against comedy movie got some press this month, when it was announced that the very funny Ken Jeong (naked Asian guy from The Hangover) has signed on to appear in it. While I suppose it’s technically possible that he signed on because he wanted to, poor Ken probably did it because he’s not a legitimate star yet, and is simply striking while the iron is hot and the offers are coming in.

Because I don’t need to see a trailer in order to know what this abortion of a comedy will be like, here’s a few things to expect from it:

  • Someone who vaguely looks like one of the Twilight characters saying something unfunny, and promptly getting hit by a vehicle or crushed by a falling object.
  • Vampire jokes that haven’t been funny since celluloid was invented (case in point: the title)
  • Characters busting a move to a current hit song, because that’s automatically funny.
  • Parodying other (funnier) comedies, like Date Movie did with Meet the Parents, and Epic Movie did with Borat
  • Parodying other movies that are in theatres this summer (there’s a reason this one’s coming out in August, even though it’s filming right now)
  • Plenty of jokes that reference current commercials, TV shows, and other parts of pop culture that have nothing to do with vampires, and will be lost on anyone watching this movie several years from now.
  • Ken Jeong firing his agent.