Archive for Stallone


Posted in Movies with tags , on 12/23/2011 by Chris

Rocky Balboa

When Stallone announced that he was actually going through with a sixth Rocky movie, people rightfully laughed their asses off. After all, Rocky-as-an-old-man jokes had been around since the mid-80s (“I hear in the next one he fights Alzheimer’s! Har har har”) – and yet, twenty years on, it was actually happening. Critics and Rocky fans alike had every right to feel skeptical, not least of all because by 2006, Stallone’s career was in the direct-to-DVD shitter (Eye See You, anyone?) and bringing Rocky back after 16 years of hibernation just seemed like a last ditch effort for Stallone to stay relevant and on the big screen. As it turned out, 16 years was the right amount of time Stallone needed to bring his saga to the proper conclusion Rocky V just couldn’t provide.

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Posted in Movies with tags , , on 12/18/2011 by Chris

Rocky V (sorta) had the right idea, but the wrong execution. In order to appreciate anything about it, one has to first step back and realize how thoroughly preposterous the series had gotten, no matter how entertaining it was. Rocky had become an age-defying boxing superhero, and almost a completely different person than that scrappy underdog of the first film. Rocky V tries to recapture the spirit of the original by sending Rocko back to his Philly roots, but unfortunately it happens via an idiotic plot contrivance that involves hapless brother-in-law Paulie losing the Balboa family fortune to a shady accountant. It’s a simple but hackneyed way of trying to make Rocky the underdog again, as if robbing him of his wealth will make him more likeable. The ridiculousness doesn’t stop there: Rocky & Co. return home from Russia (this one picks up immediately after Rocky IV), only Rocky’s son has inexplicably aged five years since they left him home in the last one, and is now played by Sage Stallone, Sly’s son. What, did they stay in Russia for five years? Even worse, Rocky now has mild brain damage as a result of the Drago fight, and has to immediately retire. At first this seems like an excuse to change up the plot and keep him out of the ring (and it is), but it also becomes apparent that it’s an excuse to have Rocky once again act like the lovable but loopy buffoon he was in the first one. The whole setup smacks of desperation; surely there could have been more plausible and less dramatic ways of taking the character back down a notch or two, but then again these movies have never been too concerned with plausibility.

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Posted in Movies with tags , , on 07/17/2010 by Chris

This week, a pretty hilarious fan-made (read: fake) trailer for The Expendables has been floating around. It’s been getting a lot of attention for something fan-made (though I’m sure a lot of people don’t realize it is), but it touches on an important point: we need to see this sonuvabitch in theaters.

As the trailer reminds us, we have a battle coming up on the weekend of August 13 – because a fuckload of women, old couples, and a few severely pussy-whipped husbands and boyfriends, will all be paying to see Julia Roberts eat, pray, love, and take a big steaming dump all over several thousand movie screens.

Now in case you’ve either forgotten or were never privy to this, we’ve already lost the first battle. That one happened on a weekend in January 2008, when Rambo lost out to Meet the Spartans (of all things) by a measly $500,000. That’s right – that Friedberg/Seltzer cancer of a comedy beat out Rambo for first place. Even though there’s no hard evidence to prove it, plenty of people speculated that the reason for this was because underage teens – having not been old enough to buy a Rambo ticket – were instead buying tickets to the PG-13 Meet the Spartans, and walking in to see Rambo instead. There could be some truth to that; I remember being 13 and giving Home Fries with Drew Barrymore my business so I could see the Psycho remake. While something like this would be dismissed if the two movies had been farther apart in box office returns, the narrow $500,000 difference suggests that these little fuckers could have very well cost Rambo the #1 spot.

So consider the weekend of August 13 round two, and once again we’re in danger of losing out to another piece of shit, this time in the form of a sappy romantic drama with Julia Roberts. Let’s take a look at the plot of Eat, Pray, Love:

Liz Gilbert (Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having – a husband, a house, a successful career – yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali.

…good thing this self-absorbed bitch can afford to just drop everything and go globe-trotting, cause you know, most people don’t have that luxury.

If The Expendables loses out to this, we have only ourselves to blame. Why? Torrents. The above trailer mentioned them, but this needs to be elaborated on. The reason every Twilight movie makes so much goddamn money, for instance, is because teenage girls go out and spend their (or their parents’) money to see it – sometimes two or three times. They don’t download them and watch them on their computer – they get up off their asses and go. Yet we men can be a bunch of cheap and lazy fucks when it comes to our movies; we’ll download them illegally so we can drink beer, make homemade nachos and watch them in our boxers. While that behavior is certainly allowed (and perhaps even encouraged) for some movies out there, The Expendables is not among them.

If you’re thinking of going that route, you better consider the following:

  • Would Stallone approve of you illegally downloading his movie? NO! He’d put you in a headlock and make you watch Rocky V and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot back-to-back.
  • Would Terry Crews let you slide? NO! He’d make you drink a bottle of Old Spice before punching you in the face – with his pecs.
  • And would Dolph Lundgren stand for that bullshit? NO! He’d strap you to a chair and make you watch…any of his movies except for Rocky IV.

Think of the hundreds of thousands of push-ups involved in the making of this movie film. All YOU need to do is get off your ass and go to the theater!


Posted in Movies with tags , on 04/01/2010 by Chris

…it will also put hair on your knuckles and impregnate your girlfriend.