Archive for scream 4

RETURN OF HHMC, PART 4

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , on 09/23/2012 by Chris

[Editor’s excuse note: Due to this bullshit closing out last October, the final two RETURN OF HHMCs didn’t make it up. Rather than post them last November, I decided to hold them off until this year, so they’ll make a nice appetizer for my third annual Halloween Horror Movie Challenge. October is upon us, so get psyched assholes!!]

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Not completely unlike Dark Castle Entertainment, Platinum Dunes started up with the (initial) intention of resurrecting dormant ’70s and ’80s horror franchises. Chainsaw was their first offering, and to this day it remains their best. The dirty guerilla-esque look of Tobe Hooper’s original is predictably replaced by much slicker camerawork, but director Marcus Nispel compensates by desaturating the colors and keeping things as bleak-looking as possible. It’s a remake in the loosest way, as very little seems lifted from the original. One glaring omission is the infamous dinner scene; in fact, the whole cannibal family aspect is largely downplayed here. Leatherface is the main attraction, and rightfully so. But something must be said of R. Lee Ermey as the sadistic sheriff (a character not in the original) – he basically steals the whole fucking movie, as half the stuff that flies out of his mouth is golden. [Nitpicky side note: Whoever decided to open this movie with “Sweet Home Alabama” certainly gets an F, not just because it’s a totally cliched song choice, but because the movie takes place in 1973 and the song wasn’t released until 1974.] Box office success it was, you can pretty much blame Chainsaw for opening the floodgates for the many other horror remakes, but judged on its own it’s a decent one. And if you don’t believe that, try watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.  3/5

  • Take a drink whenever you see shots of stuff in Leatherface’s man cave with water inexplicably dripping over it.

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SCREAM 4: THE RESULTS

Posted in Movies with tags on 04/16/2011 by Chris

[In the interest of not being a total dick for once, I won’t reveal any major spoilers here (the biggest two below will be blacked out – highlight them to read ’em). Still, it’s impossible to discuss this movie without giving large chunks of it away, so just see the damn thing first if you care that much.]

Let’s face it – all we Scream fans really asked of this fourth installment was that it was at least better than Scream 3. Call it a Rocky Balboa scenario; we’ll overlook the fact that so many years have passed, if you just give us a movie that makes up for the abysmal previous one, and lets the series go out on a respectable note. Now, there’s long been talk of a Scream 5 and 6 (and if the crowds at the theater last night were any indication, this movie will make more than enough to warrant more), but if we were never to see these characters again, it’s certainly not a bad way to go out. What I wasn’t fully prepared for, however, was just how carefully crafted this fourth movie would be. I sort of suspected as much given series creator Kevin Williamson’s sudden reappearance in the public eye waving a new script around, so it seemed that, Weinsteins aside, this was a movie naturally born from a good idea rather than another money-making scheme.

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20 OF THE MOST DISAPPOINTING SEQUELS OF ALL TIME: 1-5

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , on 04/12/2011 by Chris

With the release of Scream 4 this Friday (or SCRE4M if you need to be a jackass about it), I figured I’d lead up to it with my list of the 20 most disappointing sequels that I’ve seen.

Random Blog Reader: Another list? Gee, there’s a fuckin surprise.
Me: Kiss my dick.

These aren’t necessarily the worst overall sequels of all time, but rather ones that should have been good, but by most accounts sucked. I find it interesting that roughly half of the sequels on this list are a Part 3, which seems to suggest that an awful lot of franchises ran out of gas after one sequel. It must also be said that this is in no way a reflection of the quality of Scream 4, which I haven’t seen yet. That review will come sometime this weekend.

Now, in no particular order, on to the Shit Show: Continue reading

NEW DECADE. SAME HACK WRITER.

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 07/03/2010 by Chris

A few months ago, I made a list of all the things the upcoming Scream 4 should do without. I didn’t think screenwriter and hack extraordinaire Ehren Kruger needed to be on there, because it was already known that the script was being written by series creator Kevin Williamson. It’s no secret that Scream 3 blew ass largely because of Kruger, who took a basic plot outline by Williamson (who was too busy with other projects at the time), and wove it into a tapestry of shit. Scream 3, as a result, became almost exactly the type of movie the first two poked fun at: a generic, by-the-numbers slasher movie.

Quit stalling and knife this guy already!

When Williamson popped up a year or two ago claiming he had a truly unique idea for resurrecting the franchise, I believed him. The fact that Wes Craven eventually signed on, to direct a movie with a “4” in the title, seemed to reinforce the notion that maybe Williamson really did have a great story on his hands. And so he finished the script, people were cast, and the movie’s about to start shooting.

Then this story broke yesterday, and I suddenly felt the urge to puke all over my keyboard. Bringing Kruger back (of all people) to rewrite God knows how much of Williamson’s script? That’s like going back to the same cheap hooker, even though she gave you chlamydia the last time. Apparently this all happened because Williamson is working on some shitty vampire show (go figure), and will therefore not be on set to do the sort of last-minute rewrites that need to be done. But why do any rewrites at all? Why can’t you just shoot the goddamn thing the way it was written?

I know this sort of thing happens all the time, but I can’t imagine writing a script, only to have some fuckhead come in and add large amounts of Suck at the last minute.  If I were Williamson, I’d quit dicking around with them vampires and get back before Kruger royally fucks this up.

10 THINGS ‘SCREAM 4’ SHOULD AVOID

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 03/04/2010 by Chris

Last week while snowed in, I re-watched Scream 3. Why? Because I hate myself. While the first two movies were heavily enjoyable, Scream 3 dropped the ball, ending the popular ’90s horror trilogy with a whimper. With news of a fourth installment/revival making the rounds over the past year or so, it seems that Scream 4 is actually gonna happen, with Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette reportedly set to return, and Wes Craven in talks to direct. But it’s the script by series creator/writer Kevin Williamson (who skipped Scream 3) that gives this one a real shot at being decent. With the last one still unfortunately fresh in my mind, here’s 10 things the next one should do without:

1. NO CHEAP KILLER REVEAL

At the end of Scream 3, we find out the killer is some whiny douchebag nobody really cared about in the first place. Despite none of it being hinted at beforehand, we’re suddenly told this guy is (surprise!) Neve Campbell’s illegitimate half-brother, who takes his revenge after being abandoned by their mother years ago since he was, you know, an accident ‘n all. I think it was during this asshat’s long-winded speech at the end where I involuntarily started making the jerk-off motion with my hand. Part of the fun of these movies is trying to figure out who the killer is; the next Scream should take a cue from the original, and have the killer(s) turn out to be a supporting character that played an active role in the rest of the movie… not some cheap cop-out.

2. NO MELODRAMATIC NEVE CAMPBELL BACK-STORY

We no longer give a shit about her dead mother, nor do we want to see any more of Neve Campbell being extra emo because everything is somehow tied to her. If you’re gonna bring her back, make someone else the emotional centerpiece of the movie for a change.

3. NO EXCESSIVE RED HERRINGS

In a “whodunit?” murder mystery, naturally multiple characters will be made to look suspicious, in order to give the impression that the killer could really be anyone, and keep you guessing until the very end. Scream 3 went overboard with this, to the point where nearly every goddamn character was given their own suspicious moment, sometimes very clumsily.

4. NO SCI-FI VOICE CHANGER FROM THE FUTURE

In what was probably an attempt by the filmmakers to add an extra kick to the proceedings, Scream 3‘s killer was fitted with a nifty voice changer, that could instantly (and perfectly) mimic the other character’s voices. Of course the killer uses this to trick his victims and set people against each other, but how this was possible is a case for the WTF files. Cut the bullshit and give Ghostface his regular voice changer back.

5. NO PATRICK PANSIE DEMPSEY

Several years before going on to play McDreamy, Patrick Dempsey co-starred in Scream 3, in the role of Worthless Detective. Seriously – the guy spends all movie alternating between not doing shit and not doing dick, and for his encore he gets punched to the ground by the killer (or something to that effect). He then cheerily pops up at the end with a cast on his arm, when he really deserved a body bag.  Don’t invite him back.

6. NO MORE RANDY, EITHER.

Sorry folks. We all loved Randy, and I even thought his little video cameo in Scream 3 was one of the movie’s few highlights. But let’s face it – he got the business end of a knife in Scream 2, and one posthumous appearance is enough; don’t turn him into Tupac.

7. AND FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, NO MORE CREED

I like Creed, though I suppose that’s a story for another entry. I also didn’t mind when they were made music directors of the Scream 3 soundtrack. But does their poster really need to be awkwardly hanging on the wall when Neve Campbell is walking through her old bedroom on the movie set? Nothing undercuts a suspenseful scene like seeing a random, shirtless Scott Stapp in the background. And speaking of movie sets…

8. ENOUGH WITH THE STAB MOVIES

Yes, it was a hoot when the opening of Scream 2 took place at the premiere of a movie called Stab, which was the “movie version” of the events of the first Scream. The third one took it even further, being set in Hollywood during the production of Stab 3, and having each of the main stars running into their Hollywood doppelgängers. By about halfway through (I’m being charitable here), the movie-within-a-movie gag started to get annoying. I realize this is a horror series founded on tongue-in-cheek humor, but enough with the Hollywood in-jokes.

9. AND STOP WITH THE CAMEOS!

Tori Spelling, Luke Wilson, Heather Graham, Carrie Fisher, and Jay & Silent Bob – all popped up at some point  in cute cameo roles, and hey, most of them were pretty funny. Let’s leave it at that, eh?

10. TRY TO MAKE IT A LITTLE SCARY THIS TIME

Scream 3 had about as much suspense as an episode of Little House on the Prairie. Maybe that’s because Wes Craven was more interested in making movies about inner-city kids learning to play the violin at the time, but here’s hoping he’s a bit more revved up for this next one.