Archive for aliens

RETURN OF HHMC, PART 5

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , , , on 09/28/2012 by Chris

[Editor’s excuse note: Due to this bullshit closing out last October, the final two RETURN OF HHMCs didn’t make it up. Rather than post them last November, I decided to hold them off till this year, so they’ll make a nice appetizer for my third annual Halloween Horror Movie Challenge. October is upon us, so get psyched assholes!!]

John Carpenter’s Vampires

John Carpenter is like the cinematic equivalent of Metallica: he’s got a couple of classics (and at least one or two arguable masterpieces) under his belt, but the rest of his output ranges from so-so to Lars Ulrich. Vampires is thoroughly mediocre, but I like it perhaps more than I should. Much of the reason is because of James Woods, who carries this movie practically single-handedly. He’s so good here, however, that it only seems to amplify the rest of the movie’s shortcomings. Woods plays the foul-mouthed leader of a team of Vatican-sponsored vampire slayers, who finds himself up against a “master vampire,” who’s trying to recover an ancient relic that will allow him to walk in daylight. This is especially a problem considering that the vampire mythology is largely simplified here – crosses and garlic don’t work, which leaves sunlight or a good ol’ staking as your only options of killing one. There’s two main problems with this movie: first, after a pretty cool introductory scene, nearly all of Woods’ team is wiped out. I realize he’s the star of the show, but the idea of a team of vampire hunters seemed more fun than watching one or two guys chasing one. Second, the supposed “master vampire” – excuse the pun here – sucks. He’s supposed to be one of the most powerful vampires ever, but he never really seems menacing, even when disemboweling people. But I dig the movie’s southwest-sorta flavor; Carpenter has always stated that his first love was westerns, and this seems like his attempt at bringing some of that into the horror realm. And Woods, like I said, elevates it greatly. Check it out for a decent waste of time, but avoid the in-name-only DTV sequel starring Jon Bon Jovi, which is about as enjoyable as slamming your dick in a car door.  3/5

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WANT TO GET YOUR FOOT IN HOLLYWOOD’S DOOR? THERE BETTER BE SOME GODDAMN ALIENS IN YOUR MOVIE

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , on 07/30/2011 by Chris

In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene, a young screenwriter is pitching his script:

Screenwriter: Memorial Day Massacre! It’s a throwback to the glory days of ’80s slasher and splatter films, only the killer is a disgruntled Gulf War vet, who stalks and murders a group of hard-partying guidos in a shore house, for not properly observing the holiday. Only the twist is, the killer is –

Studio Head: …an ALIEN?!

Screenwriter: Um, no – actually the twist is that the killer is really –

Studio Head: Make him an alien and then we’ll talk. K bye.

This week Cowboys & Aliens is opening. Yes, the stupid shit we used to think up when we were nine years old is now being made into $100 million dollar movies. But what really chaps my ass is this Battleship movie coming out. Yes, the stupid shit we used to play when we were nine years old is now being made into $200 million dollar movies. Do you know what Battleship is about? An alien invasion. What fucking version of the game is that from? If nothing else, Battleship will be a good excuse for Kevin Costner to call Liam Neeson and welcome him into the $200 Million Waterlogged Bomb Club.

But is this trend gonna continue?

Monopoly: The Movie – These aliens are charging way too fucking much for rent!

Risk: The Movie – Shit we just lost another territory to those goddamn aliens!

Candyland – No wonder they know how to make palaces out of ice cream; they’re fuckin aliens!

And in other alien bullshit, let’s not forget this October’s The Thing, which was actually conceived as a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 version (remember those Norwegians?), but for all intents and purposes is now pretty much just a remake, right down to having the same title.

Let’s see, what other alien-based movies have come out recently or are on the way?

Skyline. Monsters. Battle: Los Angeles. I Am Number Four. Paul. Super 8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Men in Black 3. Prometheus. Area 51. Space Invaders. Saw VIII: Jigsaw in Space.

Okay, I might’ve made that last one up.