THE NEW ROCKY MUSICAL LOOKS TERRIBLE

Well it seems like Rocky V will no longer be the black sheep of the Rocky franchise.

Back in 2006, I joked about writing Predator: The Musical, which would (naturally) be about an elite special forces team with a penchant for breaking out into song and dance, squaring off against a deadly, super-suave alien, and feature show-stopping numbers like “Sexual Tyrannosaurus,” “Stick Around,” and the rousing finale, “Go! Go! (Get to the Choppah!).”

Now, a short sneak-peek video has surfaced for the new Rocky musical (apparently called Rocky Broadway, according to the website at least), and it looks almost as ridiculous as my idea, the difference being it’s from people who are supposed to know what they’re doing:

What’s amazing here is that adapting Rocky for a stage musical shouldn’t have been too hard a task (aside from the fact that in the first movie, he tells Adrian that he fights because he “can’t sing or dance.” Hmm.) And if you think about it, the Rocky series is packed with memorable songs; there’s a rich catalog of music from the original through Rocky IV, even if it makes the most sense to just stick to the plot from the first movie. But if idiotic musicals like Rock of Ages can liberally rewrite history for the sake of its plot, why can’t you work “Eye of the Tiger” or some songs from Rocky IV in there?

But from the looks of it, that ain’t happening. Instead, it’s got new songs penned by the people who did Ragtime and Seussical, including that “Rocky fights from the heart” song as heard in the video, which is so embarrassingly bad it sounds like a parody. In fact, that whole video looks like one big joke; if Stallone himself weren’t in it, I’d think I was watching one of SNL’s digital shorts or something. And look at the dweeb playing Rocky; no fucking wonder he’s gonna lose the fight at the end. Stop fucking singing and pick up some weights, jackass.

If the sneak preview is this bad, I wonder what else is in store for us. If a song called “Rocky Fights from the Heart” is one of the numbers, what could some of the others be? Here’s a few guesses:

“Eat Lightning, Crap Thunder” (Mickey’s solo number)

“Take Her to the Zoo (Retards Like the Zoo)”

“Screw You, Creepo!”

“To You It’s Thanksgiving (To Me It’s Thursday)”

“Be a Thinker (Not a Stinker)”

Apparently the musical already had a run somewhere in Germany (as evidenced by the photo at the top), but you can consider that more punishment for WWII. I’m a big Rocky fan but from what I’ve seen so far, I’d rather have a colonoscopy while watching Rocky V before I’d pay some inevitably ridiculous price to see this mess.

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