“And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my beloved movie’s Tomatometer score. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my internet vitirol upon thee!”


For an event movie such as The Dark Knight Rises, nothing will cause more nerd blood pressure spikes than the early negative reviews it gets, collected on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes (which then assigns each movie an ever-fluctuating “Tomatometer” score, based on the current average of “fresh” (positive) and “rotten” (negative) reviews). I still vividly remember the shit storm that went down two summers ago, when Toy Story 3 was rocking a near-mythical 100% score, only to be blindsided by two late-entry negative reviews (more negative reviews have appeared since then, however). In all fairness, one of the “reviews” was from perpetual troll Armond White, a man with a lengthy track record of praising universally panned movies while criticizing good ones, presumably to draw attention to himself. [Side note: some have played devil’s advocate, claiming that Mr. White is, in his own weird way, satirizing modern film criticism with his “contrarian” reviews; even if that’s the case, he should not be factored with the rest.] Yet instead of offering up mature and intelligent remarks, many flooded the comments section with racial slurs, and other nonsensical shit that had nothing to do with the review or movie at hand. And let’s not forget the avalanche of misspelled words (typos and otherwise), and just plain horrible grammar, which obviously takes the wind out of the scathing remark you’re trying to make by outing you as an idiot.

With the embargo for The Dark Knight Rises lifted this morning, the first handful of reviews have trickled in. As of this writing (6:30 p.m.), 31 reviews have been posted, only 2 of which have been deemed “rotten.” And while each of the positive reviews have under 50 comments (most under 10, and many none at all), the two negative reviews are approaching 400 and 900 comments, respectively. Let’s take a look at some of them (with the exception of quotation marks added, everything is posted as is):


In response to Christy Lemire’s (Associated Press) review:

  • “You gave Magic Mike 4 stars…your review is null and void…”
  • “you liked Battleship….your argument is invalid”
  • “Wutta dumbass. This is why they shouldn’t let idiots write reviews.”
  • “What an idiot “
  • “just another c_nt with a small brain. LOL!”
  • “You Lack Taste”
  • “Your crazy. “
  • “Stupid ass dumb cunt…”
  • “you are a dumbass”

In response to Marshall Fine’s review:

  • “what who made you film critic???”
  • “MIB III is fresh but this has to much action??”
  • “I knew there’d be a contrarian troll or hipster somewhere to taint the film’s perfect 100% fresh rating.”
  • “giving batman a negative review and then comparing it to transformers….F*** YOUUU”
  • “k yea this is a bad critic “
  • “You Suck”
  • “Yea, your a sorry excuse for a critic, go watch MIB III and learn how to rate movies…idiot”
  • “U suck”
  • “I seriously hate critics so much. Their job is to find anything negative.”
  • “your dumb! your the only one out of millions to say something so negative and retarded it blows my mind you must not like good movies, go watch your dances with wolves and shutup!”

Yes there you have it – people who are still several days away from seeing this movie criticizing the opinion of someone who has seen it. The internet is alive and well.

That would be like this exchange happening in real life:

Guy #1: This chocolate chip cookie isn’t that great.

Guy #2: WUTTA DUMBASS u liked that horrible peanut butter cookie so your opinion doesn’t matter fucking idiot fuck you btw can’t wait to try that chocolate chip cookie in 5 days!!!1!

On their worst day, Nolan fanboys can be just as vicious as Beliebers, only probably with a higher percentage of virgins. In fact if we took a random sampling of hardcore Dark Knight fans and had them walk in on Christopher Nolan banging their mothers, I’m curious to see how many get angry vs how many ask him if he minds pausing for a photo.


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