Archive for August, 2011

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE or: HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION

Posted in Movies with tags on 08/29/2011 by Chris

"Hey...wake up!"

I know I’m late to the party with this one, but how can a movie with such a fucked-up premise be so goddamn boring?

Here’s all 90 minutes of The Human Centipede broken down for you:

– American bimbos get lost in a storm in Germany

– Crazy-ass doctor lets them in; roofies ensue

– Drugged bimbos wake up in makeshift hospital in Doctor Whackjob’s basement, one tries to escape [insert 10-minute “tries to escape” scene] but no dice

– Bimbos surgically combined with a Japanese dude to form a human chain er, centipede.

– Cops show up looking for missing bimbos; centipede plan their escape

– Japanese dude takes Doc down, (slowly) leads bimbos out of basement

– Doc catches up with them, Japanese dude makes a long speech and kills himself instead of fighting back (wtf?)

– Cops return, lame shootout ensues, Doc and cops kill each other

– One bimbo dies from blood poisoning, while the other laments the fact that she’s now connected to two dead people

THE END

Jesus Fucking Christ; I couldn’t have been more bored if I listened to a book on tape version of The Twilight Saga narrated by Stephen Hawking.

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