DEAR NETFLIX: FUCK YOU

When I joined Netflix, it cost me $8.99 a month. This was for 1 DVD out at a time (as many I could go through a month), plus access to their sorta-crappy but still growing collection of streaming TV shows and movies, which I could then watch on my computer or X-Box. The streaming was a nice bonus, but the main attraction was the DVDs, of which Netflix had about 3x the selection that the average Blockbuster store had, and since I would usually go through maybe 4-6 DVDs a month, $8.99 seemed like a steal.

Too good to be true? You’re goddamn right…

It wasn’t long before I got a slap in the face friendly notice that my plan would be shifting to $9.99 per month. Okay, fine. Now about a year-and-a-half later comes this announcement, which seems to prove what everyone was suspecting: That Netflix were simply waiting for the final nails in Blockbuster’s coffin before they fucked us up the ass. Because with Blockbuster’s mail-in service (and many of their stores) out of the way, they can charge us whatever they want – which is why their DVD + Streaming plan is GOING UP BY SIX FUCKING DOLLARS A MONTH.

BUT WAIT! You can’t just tell everyone that – you’ve gotta disguise it first!

So to cover up their sodomy, Netflix is introducing $7.99 DVD or Streaming plans – which of course they’re advertising as their “lowest prices ever” – but the catch, of course, is that it’s either one or the other; if you want both you have to pay for both, aka the $15.98-per month “Unlimited Streaming + DVDs” plan. As is typical of services about to fist-fuck their customers, they’ve enlisted one of their schmucks to draft up a press statement that sounds eloquent but doesn’t make the slightest bit of goddamn sense…

Says Andy Rendich, chief service and operations office for Netflix:

“Netflix members love watching instantly, but we’ve come to recognize there is still a very large continuing demand for DVDs by mail. By better reflecting the underlying costs and offering our lowest prices ever for unlimited DVD, we hope to provide a great value to our current and future DVD-by-mail members.”

Now here’s Andy’s statement again, but with my own commentary – you know, like those director’s commentaries on those DVDs you’ll soon have to pay out the ass for:

“Netflix members love watching instantly (true), but we’ve come to recognize there is still a very large continuing demand for DVDs by mail. (Maybe that’s because while your selection of TV series available for streaming is excellent nowadays, your movie selection still blows nuts. Have you even browsed your own streaming movie selection Andy? Click on any genre – you’ll likely have about 20+ pages of movies to sift through, but see if you recognize ANY movie past page three. You’d have to be bombed out of your skull to watch 75% of the direct-to-whatever shitfests in your horror and action sections alone) By better reflecting the underlying costs and offering our lowest prices ever for unlimited DVD, we hope to provide a great value to our current and future DVD-by-mail members (Oh, you fucker, you. You know damn well most of us DVD/Blu-ray enthusiasts still like the added bonus of streaming, but here you go claiming you’re offering us a “great value” by taking that away. So thanks to your “great value”, we’re basically going from paying an extra $2 a month for the added benefit of streaming, to an extra $8. Andy, you’re one sly son-of-a-bitch)”

This new pricing plan will supposedly go into effect September 1st, and I think Netflix needs a new slogan to accompany it. Here’s a few suggestions:

Netflix: Summer’s Fucking Over.

Netflix: A Great Deal for People Who Love Shitty Fucking Deals.

Netflix: What Recession?

Netflix: What Customers?

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3 Responses to “DEAR NETFLIX: FUCK YOU”

  1. I applaud you for standing up to this greedy corporation, my good sir! I wish you good luck in your crusade against Netflix.

  2. This really is the third blog post, of your site I personally checked out.
    Yet I actually enjoy this specific one, “DEAR NETFLIX: FUCK YOU TwistedCritic” the most.
    Take care ,Clarissa

  3. Mikee Says:

    All fucking day, “We’re currently experiencing technical difficulties.

    Please try again in a few minutes”

    Either Netflix is too fucking stupid to know what a few minutes should be, or their problems are so severe they’re unwilling to admit them. I hope this company dies in a fucking fire.

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