Archive for July, 2011

WANT TO GET YOUR FOOT IN HOLLYWOOD’S DOOR? THERE BETTER BE SOME GODDAMN ALIENS IN YOUR MOVIE

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , on 07/30/2011 by Chris

In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene, a young screenwriter is pitching his script:

Screenwriter: Memorial Day Massacre! It’s a throwback to the glory days of ’80s slasher and splatter films, only the killer is a disgruntled Gulf War vet, who stalks and murders a group of hard-partying guidos in a shore house, for not properly observing the holiday. Only the twist is, the killer is –

Studio Head: …an ALIEN?!

Screenwriter: Um, no – actually the twist is that the killer is really –

Studio Head: Make him an alien and then we’ll talk. K bye.

This week Cowboys & Aliens is opening. Yes, the stupid shit we used to think up when we were nine years old is now being made into $100 million dollar movies. But what really chaps my ass is this Battleship movie coming out. Yes, the stupid shit we used to play when we were nine years old is now being made into $200 million dollar movies. Do you know what Battleship is about? An alien invasion. What fucking version of the game is that from? If nothing else, Battleship will be a good excuse for Kevin Costner to call Liam Neeson and welcome him into the $200 Million Waterlogged Bomb Club.

But is this trend gonna continue?

Monopoly: The Movie – These aliens are charging way too fucking much for rent!

Risk: The Movie – Shit we just lost another territory to those goddamn aliens!

Candyland – No wonder they know how to make palaces out of ice cream; they’re fuckin aliens!

And in other alien bullshit, let’s not forget this October’s The Thing, which was actually conceived as a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 version (remember those Norwegians?), but for all intents and purposes is now pretty much just a remake, right down to having the same title.

Let’s see, what other alien-based movies have come out recently or are on the way?

Skyline. Monsters. Battle: Los Angeles. I Am Number Four. Paul. Super 8. Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Men in Black 3. Prometheus. Area 51. Space Invaders. Saw VIII: Jigsaw in Space.

Okay, I might’ve made that last one up.

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ANGRY HOBO 1, UNFUNNY DOUCHEBAG 0

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 07/21/2011 by Chris

Let the above video serve as evidence that not only do plenty of people still find fake fart noises funny in 2011, but it’s also possible to make your own YouTube channel dedicated to your shitty candid camera-style videos where you pretend to fart around people, and actually find a modicum of success.

Such is the case of this Jack Vale character, who goes around with a little box that makes fart noises, and pretends to fart in public places to get people’s reactions. He then uses his YouTube channel to hawk “The Pooter“, presumably the same fart machine he uses in his hilarious videos. According to his website he sells over 2,000 of these things per month, which proves that even a shitty economy and a severe recession can’t stop America from embarrassing itself. He bills himself as an “internet superstar” and a “professional prankster”, though he’s clearly at least 35 years old, and has 5 kids.

Anyway, this latest video from Mr. Vale shows what happens when he pisses people off – in this case the hobo version of Santa Claus, who boldly proclaims “I’m gonna knock you on yer ass!” before landing two admittedly crappy punches. Hobo Santa doesn’t seem to get that it’s just a 35 year old making a fart video for YouTube, but I suspect he would’ve put more effort in had he known that. My favorite part (aside from the brief spell of glorious violence) is Jack explaining to the employees and whoever else that it’s just a squeeze toy and the guy simply doesn’t get that it wasn’t real farts. I assume he edited out the part where these people kindly inform him that making even fake fart noises in people’s faces in a store still makes you an irritating jackass. The subtitles near the end read, “The Police came…and Jack didn’t press charges,” as if to say, “look how good a person Jack is!”

As a result of his videos, Jack landed an appearance on Lopez Tonight, proving that unfunny people really do stick together in this business.

DEAR NETFLIX: FUCK YOU

Posted in Movies with tags , on 07/13/2011 by Chris

When I joined Netflix, it cost me $8.99 a month. This was for 1 DVD out at a time (as many I could go through a month), plus access to their sorta-crappy but still growing collection of streaming TV shows and movies, which I could then watch on my computer or X-Box. The streaming was a nice bonus, but the main attraction was the DVDs, of which Netflix had about 3x the selection that the average Blockbuster store had, and since I would usually go through maybe 4-6 DVDs a month, $8.99 seemed like a steal.

Too good to be true? You’re goddamn right…

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