Scream 3

Many of you already know my thoughts on this piece of dogshit, so there’s not a whole lot more to say. I found it odd at the time that Scream 2 turned out so good despite being rushed out less than a year after the original, yet this one actually took its time and still failed miserably. I figured it would all be downhill once Liev Schreiber got wasted in the opening scene, and I was right. And what’s with that security system on Neve Campbell’s dinky little wooden gate? Like that’s gonna keep a masked lunatic from simply hopping over? The only surprise this time (if you can call it that) is that there’s only one killer for a change, but the second killer is really the Creed song during the end credits.

The Matrix Sequels (Reloaded/Revolutions)

Sequels shot back-to-back rarely ever work, but Hollywood keeps trying it every few years or so anyway. A prime example was The Matrix Reloaded and The Matrix Revolutions, two sequels that were too bloated, over-ambitious and self-important for their own good. Revolutions was the worst of the two; after Reloaded spent well over two hours squandering every fan’s good will, Revolutions seemed like a downright chore, seen by most fans with a collective “Fuck it, we’ve made it this far…” mentality. And so, we’re treated to another 2+ hours of computer game-looking fight sequences, Lawrence Fishburne’s big head and gap tooth (does he floss with a jump rope?) and more heavy-handed Christ imagery than you can shake a cross at. Remember hearing all that talk about the mythical Zion in the first movie, and thinking how sweet it must be? Forget it; it’s just another post-apocalyptic shithole where sweaty, half-naked people gyrate and bump and grind to shitty techno music. And why does Keanu Reeves look more plastic than usual? Oh that’s right, because he’s CGI half the time. And why does that Oracle broad suddenly look different? Oh yeah, ’cause it’s a different actress. Cause the first one died. Reloaded killed her, along with our interest.

Tom Atkins firing his agent.

I can at least understand the logic behind Halloween III. After being less than enthused about the second one, John Carpenter and Debra Hill figured it would be a swell idea to turn the Halloween franchise into an anthology-type series, with each future movie presenting a new and different horror/sci-fi story. What they didn’t realize was that it was knife-wielding psycho Michael Myers who was putting asses in theater seats, not the name Halloween. So people were understandably pissed when a movie bearing the name Halloween III: Season of the Witch had neither Myers nor any witches, and instead featured some plot about poisonous Halloween masks being sold to kids by some loony schmuck. It wasn’t a bad idea per se, but as director Tommy Lee Wallace later admitted, the movie might have done better had it been released simply as Season of the Witch, without any ties to the Halloween series. Fans of Michael Myers responded by…not fucking going. Rest assured, when the series started up again several years later, Myers was ready for his close-up.

Burn after viewing.

Short Circuit 2

I’ve never had a colonoscopy, but I’d image it’s more fun than sitting through this piece of garbage. No Steve Guttenberg, or Ally Sheedy? Okay then. But why does everything else have to suck too? Everyone’s favorite metal Pinocchio, Johnny 5, moves to the city with absent-minded professor Fisher Stevens, in an attempt to sell mini Johnny 5 toys, or something. I dunno. All I remember…hell, all any scarred-for-life kid probably remembers is the part where a couple of thugs with crowbars beat the ever-loving shit out of Johnny 5, in a scene that would have guaranteed an R-rating had it been done to a human instead of a robot. Where the fuck did that come from? Johnny 5 eventually fixes his busted-ass up in time to nab the bad guys and end this sucker, and then he somehow gets a Pimp My Robot-style gold makeover just in time for the end credits. Go fuck yourself, Short Circuit 2.

Runners-up: Rocky V (saved for later this year), The Lost World: Jurassic Park (fuck you, Spielberg), X-Men: The Last Stand (fuck you, Ratner), Analyze That (fuck you, everyone involved).

P.S. – If you thought that Ghostbusters II should be on this list, you can go fuck yourself too.


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