Superman III

This guy's got the right idea.

You can’t really blame Richard Pryor – if I had been in Superman III, I would have done whatever drugs I could get my hands on too. And as for Christopher Reeve? Well, that horse narrowly beat out this movie as the worst thing to happen to his career. I don’t remember much about it, aside from watching it as a kid and thinking I would rather be watching one of my mom’s soap operas. I remember there being some sort of supercomputer, and Superman loses his powers and has to fight an evil version of himself. What a crock of shit. This movie did so bad, Christopher Reeve only agreed to do a fourth one if the producers agreed to fund Street Smart, a project he actually cared about.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls

This guy's trying too hard.

Made only a year after the original, Jim Carrey demanded a then-whopping $5 mil for this unfunny piece of shit, and I say good for him. What the hell happened? The first one was hilarious (especially if you were 10 when you first saw it), but I sure as fuck didn’t mature that much in the span of a year, which means they just dropped the ball with this one. They went with the ole “fish out of water” standby this time, thinking that by sending Ace to Africa, hilarity must ensue, because he’s just so crazy! Really, it was 10 times funnier with Tone-Loc and the Miami Dolphins. The opening scene is a parody of Cliffhanger, which makes you wonder why the filmmakers assumed that their target audience of 12 year old boys had even seen Cliffhanger. (Surely I wasn’t the only one wondering why the sight of a raccoon plummeting to his death was supposed to be funny?) At first I felt bad for the little guy, but at least he didn’t have to stick around for the remaining 85 minutes.

D3: The Mighty Ducks

This guy's head doesn't seem to match his body.

How do you follow D2, which had the Ducks representing USA in the Junior Goodwill Games? Make a movie where they go to some snooty prep school. What a fucking bore. Emilio Estevez briefly shows up for what amounts to a glorified cameo, and he only did this to get funding for his own film, The War at Home. I remember watching this in science class in 7th grade, during the last few days of school when the teachers just put a TV in the front of the room. In retrospect, science would have been more entertaining.

Caddyshack II

This guy's also got the right idea.

If Rodney Dangerfield’s refusal to participate wasn’t enough of an indication that this years-later sequel would suck, then it certainly must be the presence of Jackie Mason, who shouldn’t be allowed within 500 feet of any comedy movie. Bill Murray’s MIA too, and Dan Aykroyd makes for a poor replacement. In fact the only noteworthy person to return is Chevy Chase, but to paraphrase Greg Giraldo, he had snorted the funny out of himself by this point. Even co-writer Harold Ramis tried to wash his hands of this, to no avail. The tagline read “The Shack is Back!”, but this shack was shit.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

Pretty much the same reactions I had.

I’m sick of hearing people who were born in the ’80s bitch that movies like G.I. Joe or Transformers “ruined their childhood” – if you’re a dude and you were born in the ’80s, there’s only one correct answer, and that’s Turtles III. Turtles III was such a horrible abuse to kids everywhere, I’m surprised Dyphis wasn’t called on the filmmakers. It was like getting lice, finding out there’s no Santa, and having your parents get divorced, in movie form. Where does one begin? For starters, someone decided to revamp the turtles’ costumes, and as a result, they all look like they have AIDS. The great Casey Jones is brought back, and for what? To babysit a bunch of retarded Japanese guys? And how do you attempt to follow up Super Shredder from the end of the last one? You don’t even try, as it turns out. Instead, you make the bad guys an old geriatric samurai and some gunslinging fairy on a horse. Who gave a shit? Certainly not my 8 year old self, or anyone else I knew for that matter. What a fucking waste.


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