After remaining celibate for the past six years, my eyes and ears were thoroughly fucked once again by the Super Bowl halftime show. Seeing Paul McCartney follow Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson’s tit a mere one year later might’ve been a bit strange, but going from The Who to the Black Eyed Peas in just one year was like if you went to bed with Mila Kunis and woke up with John Madden.

And so after six years of musical acts that actually played musical instruments, I guess the NFL figured it was time to bring Auto-Tune, blinking lights, and retardation back to the halftime show. And since $lash would do anything for a few bucks, he showed up (wearing a top hat that looked like it could have been owned by Liberace) to provide some barely-audible guitar while Fergie dug a hole, dumped “Sweet Child O’ Mine”s mutilated corpse into it, and patted down the dirt.

Here’s where I’d normally provide the video, but the hell with that; if you missed it, consider it a blessing. Instead, here’s Fergie pissing herself:


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