Archive for January, 2011

HOLLYWOOD DRINKING GAME #3: THE ‘BLACK SWAN’

Posted in Movies with tags , on 01/26/2011 by Chris

  • Have a drink every time Natalie Portman pukes.
  • Stay awake.
  • Have a drink every time Natalie Portman bleeds.
  • Stay awake.
  • Realize this movie should’ve been called Natalie Portman Pukes and Bleeds for an Hour and 40 Minutes, and have a drink to that.
  • Stay awake.
  • Have a drink every time something unintentionally hilarious happens, like when she suddenly sprouts CG feathers and wings on stage.
  • Have a drink every time she hallucinates something ca-razy!
  • Stop drinking when you yourself begin to hallucinate that you’re watching a good movie.
  • …On second thought, keep drinking.
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DIE HARD 2 CAN KISS MY ASS

Posted in Movies with tags on 01/10/2011 by Chris

This is not an opinion piece. This is 100% factually accurate:

Die Hard 2 fucking sucks.

Anyone who’s worth a damn will tell you that the two best Die Hard movies are Die Hard and Die Hard with a Vengeance (that’s the third one, for all you cretins out there). Out of the four Die Hards (to date), these are the two that were directed by John McTiernan. This is not a coincidence. In fact, if you look the word McTiernan up in the dictionary, you might find something like this:

Mc·Tier·nan
[Mc-teer-nin]

noun

1. American film director and producer.

2. the only person who should be allowed to direct a Die Hard movie

3. Slang  . the motherfuckin’ man

4. too bad he’s in jail

McTiernan expressed interest in directing Die Hard 2, but was busy doing The Hunt for Red October at the time. Since the studio didn’t want to wait for him, they went ahead and hired Renny Harlin, whose previous movie was A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, and would later go on to give us Cutthroat Island, Deep Blue Sea and Exorcist: The Beginning (all coming soon to the Criterion Collection, I’m sure). So just how does Die Hard 2 suck? Let me count the ways:

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