I WONDER IF KIM KARDASHIAN CAN NAME MORE THAN FIVE VAN HALEN SONGS

Retro-looking band shirts never fail to attract the masses. Whether or not people are actual fans of the band are secondary to that oh-so-cool retro look, and the false sense of cred that comes from wearing one. It reminds me of the time I almost murdered somebody in public. The near-victim in question was a waitress in DC who, upon seeing the retro-looking Pink Floyd shirt my friend had on, exclaimed, “Heeey I saw a shirt like that in Banana Republic! I almost bought it because it looked retro, but then I realized I didn’t know what Pink Floyd is.” Well at least she stopped herself. Unbeknownst to her, it was all that prevented her from getting stabbed in the eye with my fork.

What kills me the most are the band “tour” shirts with a random year from the band’s “classic” period slapped on, worn by people who clearly hadn’t been around to experience it. I’m sure Zac Efron feels cool in his Van Halen “Live 1982” shirt, despite the fact that he wouldn’t be born for another few years. Perhaps he heard the show from his dad’s nutsack?

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