Archive for August, 2010

CRITICISMS OF ‘THE EXPENDABLES’ FROM PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT MOVIES ANYMORE

Posted in Movies with tags on 08/22/2010 by Chris

Sylvester Stallone went public with his plans for The Expendables around December of 2008. The movie finally opened in August of 2010. That’s a long time for a movie to gestate in people’s minds, and by the time the cast started to come together and the cameras started rolling in April 2009, The Expendables was shaping up to be an action movie lover’s wet dream. While insane amounts of internet hype doesn’t always translate to big  box office success (just ask everyone behind Snakes on a Plane) the hype behind The Expendables was arguably more diverse and a bit less ironic, and it bested both Eat, Shit, Sleep Pray, Love and Scott Pilgrim v. Seven People The World in its opening weekend. Still, all that hype was bound to leave some people underwhelmed when the movie finally arrived.

Now what did I think of it? I liked it. Was it the second coming of Christ? No, unless Christ is coming back with an automatic shotgun. It’s a standard-order ’80s-esque action movie, enhanced tenfold by a truly awesome cast, a handful of funny lines, and more than a few comically over-the-top deaths. It’s exactly what I expected.

Apparently, however, other people were expecting something different.

I like to call these people shitheads.

The way I see it, there’s only two valid criticisms to be made about this movie: the occasional use of “shakycam” and flash editing that muddles some of the fight scenes, and the sub-par CGI used in some of the more outlandish deaths. That’s it. But some people seem to have other issues with the movie, and many of these issues help shine a light on the fact that these people are dumb:

  • Arnold and Bruce Willis were only in one stinking scene?! That’s horseshit!!

Anyone who really followed this movie knew this going in. Of course the promos all included clips from this scene to get all you gullible fucks into the theater, but that key Arnold line “Give this job to my friend here; he loves playing in da jungle” should’ve tipped you off that Arnold wasn’t gonna be in the rest of the movie. That, and the tiny fact that he’s still the fucking governor of California.

  • The acting was terrible!

That’s right, because we all went to see this for the acting. And come to think of it, Citizen Kane really could’ve used some explosions and knife fights. Go choke on Oscar’s dick, you thespian fuck.

  • The plot was just a generic B-grade action movie plot. If the cast wasn’t so impressive, nobody would see it.

No fucking shit, Sherlock. What were you expecting, Inception? And here’s something you apparently don’t know: lots of movies have appeal mainly because of who’s in them! How crazy is that?! Just imagine, for instance, the amount of people who wouldn’t have given a flying fuck had Dinner For Schmucks starred two no-name actors instead of Paul Rudd and Steve Carell, or The Other Guys weren’t Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg.

  • For a movie that’s supposed to be so bad-ass, the action was quite tame.

I’m sorry, did you miss the parts where a guy gets his torso blown off, a pier full of bad guys is shot to hell and burned up, a guy gets his head stomped in by Dolph Lundgren’s boot, another guy’s hand is cut off, Stone Cold is punched in the face while completely on fire, bodies are blown in all directions by automatic shotgun fire, Jet Li breaks a guy’s neck back with a drop kick, and Eric Roberts is stabbed through the chest by a knife the size of a man’s leg? Where were you during those parts, fucking your mother?

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COUNTDOWN…

Posted in Movies with tags on 08/12/2010 by Chris

Approximately 24 hours from now, I will [hopefully] be exiting a movie theater, after a midnight screening of The Expendables. In the wake of it all, I expect the following:

  • Horrendously bad breath (after the amount of beef jerky I will consume)
  • Male pattern baldness (from absorbing too much testosterone)
  • Expedited hair growth on my knuckles
  • A full bladder (cause goddamn if I’ll be leaving to piss during the movie)
  • A bit nauseous (from that godawful Shinedown song that’s likely to play during the end credits)
  • Veins in my hair
  • An intense desire to marathon the Rambos, Commando and Die Hard, and/or kill a tiger with my bare hands