REASONS MEN NEED TO SEE ‘THE EXPENDABLES’ IN THEATERS

This week, a pretty hilarious fan-made (read: fake) trailer for The Expendables has been floating around. It’s been getting a lot of attention for something fan-made (though I’m sure a lot of people don’t realize it is), but it touches on an important point: we need to see this sonuvabitch in theaters.

As the trailer reminds us, we have a battle coming up on the weekend of August 13 – because a fuckload of women, old couples, and a few severely pussy-whipped husbands and boyfriends, will all be paying to see Julia Roberts eat, pray, love, and take a big steaming dump all over several thousand movie screens.

Now in case you’ve either forgotten or were never privy to this, we’ve already lost the first battle. That one happened on a weekend in January 2008, when Rambo lost out to Meet the Spartans (of all things) by a measly $500,000. That’s right – that Friedberg/Seltzer cancer of a comedy beat out Rambo for first place. Even though there’s no hard evidence to prove it, plenty of people speculated that the reason for this was because underage teens – having not been old enough to buy a Rambo ticket – were instead buying tickets to the PG-13 Meet the Spartans, and walking in to see Rambo instead. There could be some truth to that; I remember being 13 and giving Home Fries with Drew Barrymore my business so I could see the Psycho remake. While something like this would be dismissed if the two movies had been farther apart in box office returns, the narrow $500,000 difference suggests that these little fuckers could have very well cost Rambo the #1 spot.

So consider the weekend of August 13 round two, and once again we’re in danger of losing out to another piece of shit, this time in the form of a sappy romantic drama with Julia Roberts. Let’s take a look at the plot of Eat, Pray, Love:

Liz Gilbert (Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having – a husband, a house, a successful career – yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali.

…good thing this self-absorbed bitch can afford to just drop everything and go globe-trotting, cause you know, most people don’t have that luxury.

If The Expendables loses out to this, we have only ourselves to blame. Why? Torrents. The above trailer mentioned them, but this needs to be elaborated on. The reason every Twilight movie makes so much goddamn money, for instance, is because teenage girls go out and spend their (or their parents’) money to see it – sometimes two or three times. They don’t download them and watch them on their computer – they get up off their asses and go. Yet we men can be a bunch of cheap and lazy fucks when it comes to our movies; we’ll download them illegally so we can drink beer, make homemade nachos and watch them in our boxers. While that behavior is certainly allowed (and perhaps even encouraged) for some movies out there, The Expendables is not among them.

If you’re thinking of going that route, you better consider the following:

  • Would Stallone approve of you illegally downloading his movie? NO! He’d put you in a headlock and make you watch Rocky V and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot back-to-back.
  • Would Terry Crews let you slide? NO! He’d make you drink a bottle of Old Spice before punching you in the face – with his pecs.
  • And would Dolph Lundgren stand for that bullshit? NO! He’d strap you to a chair and make you watch…any of his movies except for Rocky IV.

Think of the hundreds of thousands of push-ups involved in the making of this movie film. All YOU need to do is get off your ass and go to the theater!

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