Archive for July, 2010

HOLLYWOOD DRINKING GAME #2: THE ‘2012’

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 07/23/2010 by Chris
  • Pop in 2012.
  • Take a (small) sip of beer every time something completely implausible and/or ridiculously over-the-top happens. Have plenty of beers ready to go.
  • Wake up in a pool of your own vomit next to a half-eaten mac ‘n cheese dinner that you don’t remember making and/or a fat chick that you don’t remember banging, and realize that you blacked out somewhere around 30 minutes into the movie.
  • Realize that at at a whopping two-and-a-half hours, this movie drinking game can last for roughly four more times.

John Cusack looks for a plot.

John Cusack narrowly escapes the wreckage of his career.

John Cusack can't believe you watched this shit.

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DEVIL’S ADVOCATE PART 1: WHY I LIKE ‘VAN HAGAR’ BETTER THAN VAN HALEN

Posted in Music with tags , , on 07/21/2010 by Chris

Despite the fact that the Van Halen brothers are all peachy with David Lee Roth again, have a highly successful reunion tour under their belts and Eddie swears up and down that a new album is in their future, I have a strange feeling we’ll have a new president in office before we get a new VH album on the shelves.  Therefore, the only thing we VH loyalists have left to do (besides stand here holding our dicks, of course) is to reminisce about the times Van Halen was, y’know, active.

Now it’s no secret that despite the band selling a FUCKTON of records with Sammy Hagar, most Van Halen fans probably prefer the original era, when David Lee Roth was fronting the band. Some fans even insist that the only true “Van Halen” was with DLR, and so the name “Van Hagar” was coined to separate the two. Perhaps it’s the fact that my first true exposure to VH was in ’96 (when Sammy was still technically in the band), but despite loving all of Van Halen’s stuff (yeah, even a couple of songs from Van Halen III), I’ve always gravitated more towards the Sammy era.

Three reasons why, after the  jump… Continue reading

REASONS MEN NEED TO SEE ‘THE EXPENDABLES’ IN THEATERS

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 07/17/2010 by Chris

This week, a pretty hilarious fan-made (read: fake) trailer for The Expendables has been floating around. It’s been getting a lot of attention for something fan-made (though I’m sure a lot of people don’t realize it is), but it touches on an important point: we need to see this sonuvabitch in theaters.

As the trailer reminds us, we have a battle coming up on the weekend of August 13 – because a fuckload of women, old couples, and a few severely pussy-whipped husbands and boyfriends, will all be paying to see Julia Roberts eat, pray, love, and take a big steaming dump all over several thousand movie screens.

Now in case you’ve either forgotten or were never privy to this, we’ve already lost the first battle. That one happened on a weekend in January 2008, when Rambo lost out to Meet the Spartans (of all things) by a measly $500,000. That’s right – that Friedberg/Seltzer cancer of a comedy beat out Rambo for first place. Even though there’s no hard evidence to prove it, plenty of people speculated that the reason for this was because underage teens – having not been old enough to buy a Rambo ticket – were instead buying tickets to the PG-13 Meet the Spartans, and walking in to see Rambo instead. There could be some truth to that; I remember being 13 and giving Home Fries with Drew Barrymore my business so I could see the Psycho remake. While something like this would be dismissed if the two movies had been farther apart in box office returns, the narrow $500,000 difference suggests that these little fuckers could have very well cost Rambo the #1 spot.

So consider the weekend of August 13 round two, and once again we’re in danger of losing out to another piece of shit, this time in the form of a sappy romantic drama with Julia Roberts. Let’s take a look at the plot of Eat, Pray, Love:

Liz Gilbert (Roberts) had everything a modern woman is supposed to dream of having – a husband, a house, a successful career – yet like so many others, she found herself lost, confused, and searching for what she really wanted in life. Newly divorced and at a crossroads, Gilbert steps out of her comfort zone, risking everything to change her life, embarking on a journey around the world that becomes a quest for self-discovery. In her travels, she discovers the true pleasure of nourishment by eating in Italy; the power of prayer in India, and, finally and unexpectedly, the inner peace and balance of true love in Bali.

…good thing this self-absorbed bitch can afford to just drop everything and go globe-trotting, cause you know, most people don’t have that luxury.

If The Expendables loses out to this, we have only ourselves to blame. Why? Torrents. The above trailer mentioned them, but this needs to be elaborated on. The reason every Twilight movie makes so much goddamn money, for instance, is because teenage girls go out and spend their (or their parents’) money to see it – sometimes two or three times. They don’t download them and watch them on their computer – they get up off their asses and go. Yet we men can be a bunch of cheap and lazy fucks when it comes to our movies; we’ll download them illegally so we can drink beer, make homemade nachos and watch them in our boxers. While that behavior is certainly allowed (and perhaps even encouraged) for some movies out there, The Expendables is not among them.

If you’re thinking of going that route, you better consider the following:

  • Would Stallone approve of you illegally downloading his movie? NO! He’d put you in a headlock and make you watch Rocky V and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot back-to-back.
  • Would Terry Crews let you slide? NO! He’d make you drink a bottle of Old Spice before punching you in the face – with his pecs.
  • And would Dolph Lundgren stand for that bullshit? NO! He’d strap you to a chair and make you watch…any of his movies except for Rocky IV.

Think of the hundreds of thousands of push-ups involved in the making of this movie film. All YOU need to do is get off your ass and go to the theater!

NEW DECADE. SAME HACK WRITER.

Posted in Movies with tags , , on 07/03/2010 by Chris

A few months ago, I made a list of all the things the upcoming Scream 4 should do without. I didn’t think screenwriter and hack extraordinaire Ehren Kruger needed to be on there, because it was already known that the script was being written by series creator Kevin Williamson. It’s no secret that Scream 3 blew ass largely because of Kruger, who took a basic plot outline by Williamson (who was too busy with other projects at the time), and wove it into a tapestry of shit. Scream 3, as a result, became almost exactly the type of movie the first two poked fun at: a generic, by-the-numbers slasher movie.

Quit stalling and knife this guy already!

When Williamson popped up a year or two ago claiming he had a truly unique idea for resurrecting the franchise, I believed him. The fact that Wes Craven eventually signed on, to direct a movie with a “4” in the title, seemed to reinforce the notion that maybe Williamson really did have a great story on his hands. And so he finished the script, people were cast, and the movie’s about to start shooting.

Then this story broke yesterday, and I suddenly felt the urge to puke all over my keyboard. Bringing Kruger back (of all people) to rewrite God knows how much of Williamson’s script? That’s like going back to the same cheap hooker, even though she gave you chlamydia the last time. Apparently this all happened because Williamson is working on some shitty vampire show (go figure), and will therefore not be on set to do the sort of last-minute rewrites that need to be done. But why do any rewrites at all? Why can’t you just shoot the goddamn thing the way it was written?

I know this sort of thing happens all the time, but I can’t imagine writing a script, only to have some fuckhead come in and add large amounts of Suck at the last minute.  If I were Williamson, I’d quit dicking around with them vampires and get back before Kruger royally fucks this up.

KATE GOSSELIN CONSIDERS MAKING A CHRISTMAS ALBUM; CHRISTIANS CONSIDER CONVERTING TO JUDAISM

Posted in Music with tags on 07/01/2010 by Chris

Many have tried to ruin Christmas before, but this time it may actually happen. Indeed, Kate Gosselin is looking to succeed where Michael Bolton, Billy Idol and the Grinch have failed, by releasing her own album of Christmas songs, almost guaranteed to sink Christmas into the flaming pits of Hell.

But because she only has one shot at forever ruining the holiday (her 15 minutes of fame will likely be up before she can release a second album), there’s no room for error here. That’s why Kate plans on having her eight kids sing the songs with her. That’s a move likely to forever taint this wonderful holiday, and come December 25 they’ll be a lot more people going to the movies and grabbing some Chinese food.

Holy shit, she's even starting to look like the Grinch

So long, Christmas. You had a good run, but Hell hath no fury like a divorced octo-mom looking to cash in.