Archive for June, 2010

VAMPIRES SUCK…HAHA, GET IT?!

Posted in Movies with tags , , , on 06/28/2010 by Chris

Because no one’s had the balls to cut the brakes on their cars yet, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the Al Qaeda of comedy, are continuing their long string of perpetually unfunny spoof movies with Vampires Suck. It’ll of course be some sort of Twilight parody, even though half of the ‘jokes’ will no doubt consist of up-to-the-minute pop culture references, that will probably be outdated by the time the movie is released on DVD.

If you’re unfamiliar with these guys, they’re the ones behind Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans, and even though it was 10 years ago, they continue to point out that they were two of the six writers behind Scary Movie, presumably because it’s the only partially funny movie on their resum√©. As evidenced by everything they’ve done since, however, it’s safe to assume they weren’t responsible for any of the funny parts.

Clearly these two aren't watching their own work.

Anyway, their latest crime against comedy movie got some press this month, when it was announced that the very funny Ken Jeong (naked Asian guy from The Hangover) has signed on to appear in it. While I suppose it’s technically possible that he signed on because he wanted to, poor Ken probably did it because he’s not a legitimate star yet, and is simply striking while the iron is hot and the offers are coming in.

Because I don’t need to see a trailer in order to know what this abortion of a comedy will be like, here’s a few things to expect from it:

  • Someone who vaguely looks like one of the Twilight characters saying something unfunny, and promptly getting hit by a vehicle or crushed by a falling object.
  • Vampire jokes that haven’t been funny since celluloid was invented (case in point: the title)
  • Characters busting a move to a current hit song, because that’s automatically funny.
  • Parodying other (funnier) comedies, like Date Movie did with Meet the Parents, and Epic Movie did with Borat
  • Parodying other movies that are in theatres this summer (there’s a reason this one’s coming out in August, even though it’s filming right now)
  • Plenty of jokes that reference current commercials, TV shows, and other parts of pop culture that have nothing to do with vampires, and will be lost on anyone watching this movie several years from now.
  • Ken Jeong firing his agent.
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ARE YOU SERIOUS, SHINEDOWN?

Posted in Music with tags , , , on 06/26/2010 by Chris

So Shinedown has a new song out, to be featured on the soundtrack to The Expendables. Presumably it’s the same song we heard briefly in the trailer, and presumably it’s not a brand-new tune, but rather a previously unreleased one. The name of this song is “Diamond Eyes“. If that title sounds familiar, it’s because it’s the same title as the Deftones’ latest album (which itself has a song entitled “Diamond Eyes”).

Now, obviously there’s many songs and albums out there that use the same words or phrases; that kind of thing is to be expected. But the title Diamond Eyes is WAY too unique and specific to be used twice, let alone within such a short time span (the Deftones album was released not even two months ago). Even if Deftones had released that album 15 years ago, people would still be thinking that maybe Shinedown, y’know, ripped it the fuck off.

I’m sure the guys in Shinedown are aware of the inconvenient timing, because the full track title is actually “Diamond Eyes (Boom-Lay Boom-Lay Boom)”. Now that’s a song title you’d never wanna have to say out loud, lest you run the risk of throwing up in your mouth a little bit.

WANT TO GET YOUR FOOT IN HOLLYWOOD’S DOOR? WRITE AN ACTION COMEDY

Posted in Movies with tags , , , , , on 06/08/2010 by Chris

Jesus, was The Bounty Hunter that successful? News broke yesterday that the team behind The Proposal (including Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds) are developing Most Wanted, which is being compared to the very funny ’80s action comedy Midnight Run, even though it’s THE SAME FUCKING PLOT AS THE BOUNTY HUNTER. Let’s compare the plot synopses of these two movies:

The Bounty Hunter: A bounty hunter has to track down a bail-jumping reporter, who happens to be his ex-wife, and bring her to court. Together they end up on the run and trying to solve a high-profile murder case, with the killers on their trail.

Most Wanted: The story sees Bullock as a criminal suspect with Reynolds as an FBI agent who is supposed to be escorting her to court when the two are ambushed and forced to go on the run.

Are you shitting me? I’m only going if Betty White is the criminal mastermind behind everything.

Now, let’s not forget the ones already in or on their way to theatres:

  • Killers, an action-comedy that finds newlyweds Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher on the run, after he neglects to mention that he’s an international super-spy (although he probably tweeted it to everyone else).
  • Knight and Day, “An action-comedy centered on a fugitive couple on a glamorous and sometimes deadly adventure where nothing and no one – even themselves – are what they seem.” This one stars Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, and if I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought that the retarded spelling of the title (this movie has fuck-all to do with actual knights) was the brainchild of Diaz, who still acts like she’s 25 even though she’s pushing 40.
  • The Other Guys – “Two mismatched New York City detectives (Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg) seize an opportunity to step up like the city’s top cops whom they idolize — only things don’t quite go as planned.

Oh, and a sequel to Midnight Run is in the works, too.