Holy fuck Gee golly willikers, have I been neglecting this little spot of mine. And to think – I’m not even employed right now. What the hell have I been doing with all my free time? It is a mystery. In the past four months or so I’ve begun writing three different entries (!!), and the likelihood of any of them being seen is about the same as the likelihood of another Patrick Swayze movie coming out. Why, you may ask? Quality before quantity, you tards. But I will tell you what they were about. In order, they are:
- A recap of the Saw series, the Special Olympics of horror movies (was to coincide with the release of Saw VI, back in October).
- A Best and Worst list of 2009…you know, like every other god damned magazine, television show and website did. Not a decade-end list though; I’m far too lazy for that kind of bullshit.
- Three things that need to go away in 2010 (maybe if I don’t post it, they actually will).
Seeing how I feel the need to post something, however, I’ll reach into my little vault and throw up this here Saw VI review, also written back in October, and for a different site (yes, I’ve been cheating on you wordpress). I suppose the movie’s recent DVD & Blu-ray release means it’s still relevant. What’s that? That happened last month? Well fuck me, right? Here it is anyway:
Review: Saw VI
As anyone who’s watched all five previous entries would tell you, the Saw series has an ongoing plotline that makes the Matrix trilogy look like Bio Dome. Having been drawn into this demented soap opera, many Saw fanatics return every year not to see more inventive ways of harming the human body, but to see what the writers will do with the mess they created the year before.
After following FBI Agent Strahm throughout Saw V as he closed in on Jigsaw’s evil protégé Hoffman – only to see Strahm killed off and framed to boot – audiences were understandably pissed after having sat through a movie that ended up going absolutely nowhere. (Note: If you didn’t see Saw V and you don’t want the ending spoiled, don’t read that last sentence). This year, the people behind Saw VI have gone to some lengths to see that the story, you know, advances this time. Since his death at the end of III, Jigsaw has been going after people posthumously, like the 2-Pac of horror. His elaborate plans now carried out by Hoffman, the targets are typically those who wronged Jigsaw (real name: John Kramer) in life. This time it’s a slimy health insurance bigwig who denied John the coverage he needed during his battle with cancer. It’s an unusually political and timely undercurrent for a horror movie, much less the sixth installment of one. Health Insurance Guy (real name: William) is put through a series of tests in which he is forced to choose, among his coworkers, who gets to live and who has to die – something that, as Jigsaw sees it, he did for a living anyway.
As is typical of these movies, logic and plausibility are once again put on the back burner; at this point, believing that Jigsaw and Hoffman have the time, money and resources to pull this stuff off is like believing Santa Claus could really hit all those houses in one night (especially Hoffman, who’s supposed to be a police detective – doesn’t anyone notice he’s hardly at his job?). Additionally, so much of Jigsaw’s plan hinges on things playing out a specific way that you begin to wonder if he could see into the future before he kicked the bucket.
If you can suspend your disbelief, however, there’s a lot of fun to be had. There’s still plenty of mutilated flesh for you gore hounds out there, and a couple of traps are a bit more inventive than usual. There’s also a plot reveal that puts a unique spin on the events of Saw III, and as promised some loose ends are indeed tied up, revealing that Jigsaw had something of an insurance policy of his own.
The Saw series has come a long way from the relatively simple original, having since devolved into a neverending flurry of flashbacks and tangled plot threads. But up until Saw V it never lost its entertainment value – something that Saw VI properly restores. Longtime fans willing to give the series another chance will dig it.