A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS REVIEW OF ‘WOLVERINE’

Little Wolverine looks like he has swine flu • Oh drag he killed his real dad • These two sons of bitches really did fight a lot of wars! • How did we have Wolverine, Sabretooth AND Rambo, but still lose Vietnam? • Liev Schreiber is fucking MASSIVE • Cool opening credits sequence • Hey, it’s the vampire dude from 30 Days of Night – rad • Hey, it’s will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas – lame • The Blob really isn’t that fat…but then again this is Hollywood • Good thing they have a hobbit with them • I’m no weapons expert but I’m pretty sure clips can’t be thrown upwards into guns like that • Or maybe his clips are mutants too? • Ryan Reynolds sure is the cat’s pajamas • This guy’s so bad-ass he uses a meteorite as a paperweight! • Oh great, he’s a lumberjack now • …but surely he didn’t walk there from Nigeria? • Too bad hobbit guy bit it – that chick at the carnival was really digging his lightbulb skills and emo demeanor • Oh noes, I stabbed the bedsheets again • The bitch is dead. That’s what you get for telling some bullshit folklore about the moon being lonely in a Wolverine movie • How many times is someone gonna look up and scream at the sky in this movie? • I want my brother dead; please fill me up with some of that liquid alien metal shit • Now I’m INVINCIBLE! (anyone seen my clothes?) • Clark Kent’s parents have apparently defected, and are now helping out Marvel characters on their farm • Sweet motorcycle/humvee/helicopter chase • …ruined by cheesy slow-motion walk-away-from-explosion shot • Adamantium bullets, Jesus Christ • Ok now The Blob is legitimately fat • Cyclops! Still a little bitch • Why does will.i.am need a motorcycle when he can teleport? I think gas prices were still pretty high when they filmed this • Anyone not expecting Gambit to turn out lame as fuck was surely kidding themselves • will.i.am just got his shit ruined • I wonder if Liev Schreiber ever fucked Naomi Watts while in character as Sabretooth?  • We’re off to the island for the third act, guys…look sharp • Oh shit – the bitch lives! And her sister is even hotter! • Oh shit – Ryan Reynolds lives! And he’s – mute? • And why is he shooting FUCKING LASERS FROM HIS EYES HOLY SHIT • >Decapitate/> • Sabretooth with the save! • Wow, Patrick Stewart looks like an alien. Visual effects courtesy of MS Paint • I GOT EM I GOT EM I GOT EM BANG! shot in the head, fuck my life • I have the power to  make you blow your own head off – but since it’s so nice out I’ll make you go for a walk instead •  I’d thank you for helping me, Gambit, but I don’t remember you. So fuck off. • The End. No gag reel?

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