Archive for May, 2009

STAR TREK: THE Q&A REVIEW

Posted in Movies with tags on 05/15/2009 by Chris

Q: So – did you see the new Star Trek?
A: Why yes I did.

Q: Well is it the tits or what?!
A: Yes, it was pretty good.

Q: Is it true this is the first Star Trek a guy can probably take a girl to?
A: Yes. But don’t expect to get any afterwards.

Q: Why the hell not?
A: Because you’re still taking her to a movie called Star Trek, jackass.

Q: Fair enough. So I heard they worked Leonard Nimoy into the movie. What gives?
A: Well he plays the older Spock, who sort of gets trapped in the past and encounters the younger versions of both himself and his friends, thus making this new movie some sort of prequel/sequel hybrid, and NOT a remake.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you didn’t see the movie yet and don’t want the plot spoiled, don’t read that last part.

Q: Wow that sounds great. So all in all, would you say this new Star Trek did indeed “boldly go” where no one had gone before?
A: Fuck off.


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A STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS REVIEW OF ‘WOLVERINE’

Posted in Movies with tags , , , on 05/05/2009 by Chris

Little Wolverine looks like he has swine flu • Oh drag he killed his real dad • These two sons of bitches really did fight a lot of wars! • How did we have Wolverine, Sabretooth AND Rambo, but still lose Vietnam? • Liev Schreiber is fucking MASSIVE • Cool opening credits sequence • Hey, it’s the vampire dude from 30 Days of Night – rad • Hey, it’s will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas – lame • The Blob really isn’t that fat…but then again this is Hollywood • Good thing they have a hobbit with them • I’m no weapons expert but I’m pretty sure clips can’t be thrown upwards into guns like that • Or maybe his clips are mutants too? • Ryan Reynolds sure is the cat’s pajamas • This guy’s so bad-ass he uses a meteorite as a paperweight! • Oh great, he’s a lumberjack now • …but surely he didn’t walk there from Nigeria? • Too bad hobbit guy bit it – that chick at the carnival was really digging his lightbulb skills and emo demeanor • Oh noes, I stabbed the bedsheets again • The bitch is dead. That’s what you get for telling some bullshit folklore about the moon being lonely in a Wolverine movie • How many times is someone gonna look up and scream at the sky in this movie? • I want my brother dead; please fill me up with some of that liquid alien metal shit • Now I’m INVINCIBLE! (anyone seen my clothes?) • Clark Kent’s parents have apparently defected, and are now helping out Marvel characters on their farm • Sweet motorcycle/humvee/helicopter chase • …ruined by cheesy slow-motion walk-away-from-explosion shot • Adamantium bullets, Jesus Christ • Ok now The Blob is legitimately fat • Cyclops! Still a little bitch • Why does will.i.am need a motorcycle when he can teleport? I think gas prices were still pretty high when they filmed this • Anyone not expecting Gambit to turn out lame as fuck was surely kidding themselves • will.i.am just got his shit ruined • I wonder if Liev Schreiber ever fucked Naomi Watts while in character as Sabretooth?  • We’re off to the island for the third act, guys…look sharp • Oh shit – the bitch lives! And her sister is even hotter! • Oh shit – Ryan Reynolds lives! And he’s – mute? • And why is he shooting FUCKING LASERS FROM HIS EYES HOLY SHIT • >Decapitate/> • Sabretooth with the save! • Wow, Patrick Stewart looks like an alien. Visual effects courtesy of MS Paint • I GOT EM I GOT EM I GOT EM BANG! shot in the head, fuck my life • I have the power to  make you blow your own head off – but since it’s so nice out I’ll make you go for a walk instead •  I’d thank you for helping me, Gambit, but I don’t remember you. So fuck off. • The End. No gag reel?