10 THINGS MOST LIKELY BETTER THAN THE NEW DREAM THEATER ALBUM

  1. When Dream And Day Unite
  2. Images And Words
  3. Awake
  4. A Change Of Seasons EP
  5. Falling Into Infinity
  6. Scenes From A Memory
  7. Six Degree Of Inner Turbulence
  8. Train Of Thought
  9. Octavarium
  10. Swine Flu

And 10 reasons why after the jump…

  1. Roadrunner Records – ever since DT signed with Roadrunner, the label has been trying to turn them from cult prog-metal icons to a full-blown mainstream metal act. They even got them to make music videos again! This is all fine, except for the fact that Systematic Chaos was a soulless, mechanical turd of an album, with hilariously awful “They better be tongue-in-cheek” lyrics concerning prophets, pharaohs, corpses, mysterious ancient whateverthefucks and you know, stuff that’s just fucking dark, man!
  2. The Tracklist – With song names such as “A Nightmare To Remember”, “A Rite Of Passage” and “The Shattered Fortress”, it looks like we can expect more of the same pompous bullshit. For fuck’s sake, the closing song is a 19-minute monstrosity called – – “The Count Of Tuscany”, which is redeemable only if singer James LaBrie performs it wearing a cape.
  3. The new promo shots – They’re just so goddamn brOOtal! There’s a few floating around, all hilariously bad, but here’s one of them. I can imagine the photographer – “Show me dark guys! Now give me angry! No, angrier!! OOOH YEAH! GIVE IT GIVE IT YEAH! Fuck that’s so METAL! Horns guys HORNZ!! Ok stop it you’re scaring me!”
  4. Paul Northfield – Sonically speaking I don’t usually get too critical, but Systmatic Chaos is the loudest-sounding album DT has put out to date. All of the instruments are turned way the fuck up, leaving no dynamics between them, resulting in an album that sounds very mechanical and sterile all the way through. I blame Northfield, who engineered and mixed the thing, and also recorded Rush’s Vapor Trails, an album infamous for its garbage sound quality.  Good thing DT brought him back for the new album!
  5. John Petrucci is too fucking jacked. – He needs to lay off the protein shakes before he accidentally snaps the neck off of his guitar.
  6. Rich Wilson’s track-by-track analysis – Leave it to the guy who wrote DT’s official biography to masturbate write a review for the new album, in which he jizzes over analyzes every song. Now I know I can expect some of the things I hate the most about DT…growling vocals (hell yes!)…’typically wacky’ Jordan Rudess melodies (sweet!)…blast beats! (wait, what?)
  7. Mike Portnoy and a microphone should be mutually exclusive. Mike Portnoy is an amazing drummer, and I don’t think there are many who actively dispute this. But somebody, anybody, keep him the fuck away from a microphone.  Which brings me to…
  8. Dream Theater really need a producer. You can make great albums on your own (and DT certainly have), but for fuck’s sake, they really need someone to start calling them on their bullshit. “Hey, wouldn’t it just be the tits if this song was 16 minutes long instead of a measly 12?” No guys, it wouldn’t.
  9. Mid-life crisis. Why splurge on a motorcycle when you can put blast beats and tough gang vocals in your songs?
  10. It’s fun to hate on Dream Theater. Make no mistake, I’ll be picking this up the day it comes out. Being a DT fan is like being in an abusive relationship. But why physically abuse your fans, when you can put blast beats and tough gang vocals in your songs?
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One Response to “10 THINGS MOST LIKELY BETTER THAN THE NEW DREAM THEATER ALBUM”

  1. Hi, interesting post. I have been pondering this topic,so thanks for posting. I’ll definitely be subscribing to your blog.

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